I obviously haven't been on Xanga in forever, because I have no clue what's going on with this whole theme/new module stuff. I feel completely lost. But anyways, here's something I wrote a long time ago. Enjoy. I might start regularly updating if I could get enough comments. Tell your friends about my site. Please. Comment, subscribe. I wanna come back, but I feel like it would be a big waste of my time because I get NO FEEDBACK. But anyways, I'm gonna start posting some random stuff I find around my old saved files.

You gave up everything that was important to you for a boy who told you he would stick around forever. The only thing is, he's nowhere to be found. So what do you do now? All your friends are gone, you don't even believe in yourself anymore, you feel like a piece of dirt. You do the only thing you can do: keep living.

Dear Boy,

I'm sorry I can't be there for you anymore, but you were never there for me either, were you? You manipulated me, you brought my self- esteem down, you made me give up my friends. Then you left. You told me I wasn't worth it, that you could never see yourself loving me the way I loved you. I was left alone; with no one to turn to, no one to talk to, because I gave that all up for you. So I did what I had to do. I started over.

When we broke up, my self esteem was at an all time low. You made me feel like I would never be worth it to anyone, and I believed you. You told me I was crazy, and I believed you. But everyone knew you were a liar, except for me. I didn't know, but now I do.

It was my fault that you couldn't love me. It wasn't my fault though, because you had no intentions of loving me in the first place. I was another one of your pawns, a game that you could play. I fell for your trick, but then I woke up.

You thought you could break me. You thought you had that much control over me, and you did for a while. But I'm stronger than you think, and a relationship will never define me. Especially not a dysfunctional one with someone like you. You weren't worth anything I went through over you, but I went through it anyway. I can't say it's made me stronger, but someday it will. I can't look at you right now without crying, but someday I'll be able to rip up your picture and not look back.

Someday I'll be able to leave the past where it belongs, but not right now. I still love you. I still need you, and I still pray for you to come back. But I'm confident that one day you won't mean a thing to me. I was fine before you came, and I know I'll be fine again, eventually. I don't regret anything that has to do with you. You broke my heart, but one day I'll be strong enough to mend it. I have you to thank for that.

i suppose i'm back kids. bluh, it takes so long to get back in the hang of things. here's your first update. it's short, but it's something.

1.

but there's a story behind everything. how a

picture got on a wall, how a scar

got on your face. sometimes

the stories are simple, and somethimes they

are hard and hardbreaking.

2.

the love of your life

may not be someone who you can

spend your life with.

3.

Maybe love, too, is beautiful because it has a wildness that cannot be tamed. I don't know. All I know is that that passion can take you up like a house of cards in a tornado, leaving destruction in its wake. Or it can let you alone because you have built a stone wall against it, set out the armed guards to keep it from touching you. The real trick is to let it in, but to hold on. To understand that the heart is as vast and wide as the universe, but that we come to know it best from here, this place of gravity and stability, where our feet can still touch the ground.

++Wild Roses by Deb Caletti